I was never a man with much energy. As a child, when most children played with their friends, running around chasing each other, I mostly sat back and watched them. I read a little bit too much, and enjoyed experiencing a story, in any format, from books to games. When I’m on middle school, where most of my friends got hit by rampaging hormones and start exchanging bodily fluids, I fell in love with math and philosophy. I even knew some ladies who crushed on me, and knowing that, still ignored them. This was later confirmed, and I still regret it until now. But hey, at least I was a true nerd back then.

The geek vs nerd people starts a debate in 3, 2...

While I dated and smooshed some privates a bit back then, it was not until college that I got myself into what would people usually refers as “serious relationship”. When hangging out on my friend’s office, I saw this gorgeous woman who I couldn’t stop looking at. My first word to her, I kid you not, was literally “hey you. I am thinking of buying a new computer and I need some money. I am selling myself to you now. 10 MM Rupiahs. Deal?”

In hindsight, I was NOT a smart guy. Oh well.

Later I found out that she was the best student in her major. Highest GPA. I got a thing for smart ladies, so I fell instantly. Hard. To not bore you with my silly sitcom-like approach to get her dating me, my dear readers, I will cut the story short. After knowing her for several months, we finally dated. I have told you that I’ve had a girlfriends before her, but I could say for sure that I have not loved before her. She was my first young, passionate, and foolish love.

Many described their first love as a sweet, innocent love. Ours was a crazy young love. We never had enough of each other, willingly throwed away our future for each other. Burned some bridge here and there, wreaked havoc now and then. In the beginning I told you that I was never a man with much energy. She changed me. Her love, our passion, brought a ungodly amount of life out of me. I was at the top of the world. I was the smartest man in the world, who would move the sun had it dared to shine too bright in my face. And she was my queen.

Many described their first love as warm and serene. Ours was hot and clamorous. Even when I had a job back then, we hung out for hours everyday. And when we got home, we never stopped talking. Not a single day passed without our skins greeted each other. We got jealous. We held each other. We fought. We embraced ourselves. It was equal parts passion, equal parts yelling. An herb and a poison at the same time. A radiation therapy.

As childish and as toxic as it was, we fought tooth and nail for this relationship. We wanted it to work out. We got victory over her parents. We conquered 1527 KMs of distance. We endured through the hard times, surfed through the great times. We never feared anything because we had each other.

The flame of our love burned so bright the sun envied us. Young love is like that. It brought the best out of you. Changed you. Unfortunately, that bright fire burns. That kind of blaze, that kind of passion, cannot sustain itself. The flame is burning so hot it is only a matter of time before it burns you to ashes. And boy, did that relationship set us ablaze. Towards the end of the relationship, we were so exhausted and sick of each other we can’t be in each other’s proximity without exploding.

It didn’t work out in the end and that’s okay. Young love is like that. It burns you out so you can learn to do better next time. I learned that real relationship needs patience. Healthy relationship requires understanding, commitment, and hard work. You need to respect your spouse, while still respecting yourself. I learned to let go, because when you know your love is much happier without you, it is time for you to leave.

It sucks to know that the person who’ve been with you so long is gone. You live the last 4 years knowing that they are on your side. You started to think that they’ll be on your side forever. You took them for granted. Don’t do that. I now know that you’ll have to always give your best effort for your partner 1, 5, and even 10 years down the road.

I still think about her from time to time. I miss her sometimes. I wish she’s happy now, and always will be. Because with all the mistakes I’ve done, all the scars I’ve crafted upon her heart, I couldn’t bring myself to her anymore. I’ve got my closure, resolved all my feelings for her and that’s enough for me. I’ve moved on since, but she’ll always have a special place on my heart. May you find your love and joy in this life and the next one, dear.

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